I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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