3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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