There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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