(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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