I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
