Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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