omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
