walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
