So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
