Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
