the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
