Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
