I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
