VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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