If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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