It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize
