My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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