She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
