Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
