i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
