So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
