I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
