Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
