My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
