I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
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I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
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Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.