I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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