I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
