If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
