shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
