I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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