I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
3pm strippers are depressing
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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