I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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