...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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