You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
