It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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