I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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