He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
