giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
