I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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