I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
She's just so happy...and so naked.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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