Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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