TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
