I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I can feel your judgement through the phone
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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