you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
