He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
