and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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