i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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