what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
