There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
