this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
