It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
