everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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