I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize