dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
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swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
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its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?