I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
this beer tastes like vomit already
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
