Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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