I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
